Wait or ask?

Back a few months ago, every novel that I picked up seemed to have some part that spoke out to me because of something that was going on in my life. I just posted a review of Critical Care by Candace Calvert over on Seriously? and part of that book influenced my inspiration for tonight's installment of Uncensored.


The main verse of book was Jeremiah 29:11.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare (or peace) and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." (ESV)

In the book, the main character was really struggling to remember to focus on God's plans for her rather than her own plans for herself. Who doesn't need to be reminded of that from time to time? I was even sharing that with a Misha today as she was expressing some frustrations about her day and her hopes that were seemingly being dashed. We were talking about some things just weren't meant to be, but we just had to wait to see how things turned out.

The book went on to give what the character's study Bible had to say about the verse, "...as long as God, who knows the future provides our agenda...we can have boundless hope. Not that we will be spared pain, suffering, or hardship, but that God will see us through to a glorious conclusion."

One reason that this jumped out to me is for the past few months I've felt like I have been standing in a hall with doors lining each side. And I've been waiting for God to open one of those doors, or at least show me which one to knock on.

The biggest thing that I struggle with is not necessarily trusting God's plan for me, but the timing of that agenda. Patience has never been one of my greatest virtues. Wise friends advise me that it's all about waiting on his timing and His plan. And while I've come to the point of truly believing that ignorance is bliss in some situations, there's just some things that I want to know. Like I want to know what's on the agenda. I want to know how long I have to wait.

And while I am keeping Jeremiah 29:11 in mind, it's difficult, in my mind at least, to mesh that Biblical wisdom with some other advice I've heard (from both people I know and it must have been on the radio and in something I've read recently) which was also Biblical. Regardless, it seems to keep coming up too.

Speaking of doors and knocking...

Luke 9:11-13 (ESV)

"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. What father among you, if his son asks for a fish, will instead of a fish give him a serpent; or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!"

Or, how about this one?

Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

It leads me to ask the question - and I don't have the answer - Has He made his plans the desire of my heart? I certainly pray, "I want to do what you have planned for me, but I just need you to show me the way."

I also have another pretty specific prayer that I've been praying. I don't remember where I heard or read it, but someone was commenting on "you can't pray it too many times. Keep asking, keep asking, keep asking." But sometimes I feel (notice the "I feel" not the "I know") guilty or wrong for that. That surely God must be up there going, "Audra, I just wish you would stop it with that. I'm tired of hearing you whining! Stop it already." In reality, I know that's not true.

When I was in college - actually at the end of my fourth year (I always said it was only going to take me 4, but it took me 5 - another really long story) - I was in a communication design degree program at UNT. It was notorious for being a tough program, and I like many others was up for a portfolio review. At stake was staying in the program or being told to change your major. Over and over again I prayed, "if I don't pass the review, help me be OK with that and just move on."

Well, I didn't pass and actually had a peace about it even though the day I got my results was a really bad day (worthy of a blog entry all it's own). As it ended up, even though I had to change my major at the end of year 4, I was able to finish off with a major in art and finish up in 5 (it could have been longer the other way). It all ended up fine because if you've noticed, I haven't had a job in an art department in 8 years. I'm still paying on student loans for that art degree, but that's just a part of life. Oh, and the peace that I will have in October 2010 when I make that last payment, but that again has nothing to do with where I was going.

In reality, maybe I have all of this figured out better than I think I do. Maybe all of this isn't so conflicting after all.

What I have been praying is really more like, "Lord, you know what I want. I think it's what you want for me, but help me to be patient until you are ready for it. And if that isn't what you want for me, show me what it is so I can do that."

If I were to really look at some things closer and examine them for what they are, I might see that I've been actually going along with His timing better than I thought I was. That maybe the anxiety of wanting and asking is just part of Him preparing me for what His plans are.

Other than the verses that I've referenced, I really didn't know where this whole entry tonight was going to go. If you are still reading through all my rambling, you may still wonder where all of this going. However, I feel a little less conflicted than when I first started.

Feel free to comment, and let's discuss.

In the meantime, I have GOT TO GO TO BED! This will be the third night in a row with 6 hours of sleep or less, and I have to get up early for Paige's softball tourney tomorrow. It's going to be hot.