I used to love this time of year

I used to love this time of year. Even how the skies get a certain dark, heavy feel as the cool air finally makes it's way to Texas. For some reason, it's comforting to me. This year, I think the weather has possibly been more spastic than usual. Cool one day, 80 the next. Who can keep up. And I've really been couped up and haven't noticed much of anything outside.

The time change usually bums everyone out, but it usually clues me off that the holidays are coming. Does it seem darker now at 5:00 than it's ever been?


November brings my birthday, and certain hopes that I just might do something special. Nothing extravagant. And I really don't feel comfortable as the center of attention. Just something. But after one too many years of my birthday being about everybody else (and I do mean everybody else), I really, really, really hope it just slides right by next week. Too much drama has surrounded it over the past few years, and it's just simply not worth it.

Thanksgiving is coming up. My favorite holiday. Sometimes it's just me, Mom and Dad, but always at their house because that's the one holiday that they have like they want it. It's not that other people can't come over (or haven't come over), but Dad gets to have his football game at his house and that's the just the way it goes.

This year I'd really rather have more people around. I go over to Mom & Dad's too often and eat with them for it just to be the three of us on Thanksgiving. While Mom would be fine with that, I need some other people around. Grandmother has evidently invited herself already (well, I do have to say that she's come more frequently the past few years, so it's not unusual for her to be there). She asked my uncle if he would come if Mom invited him. Dad and I have been after her to call her brother and sister both, and she finally left messages. As terrible as it sounds, I just can't handle Grandmother right now with out other people around to dilute her. I really just don't want things to get stirred up.

Just because my parents choose to be anti-social does not mean that I want to.

And right at Thanksgiving is when I usually get out the Christmas decorations and light up the place. In my little duplex, for the past few years, I have put up a big tree in the living room and one small tree in each of the bedrooms. I had lights around all of the windows along with some lit garland. Probably 20 strings of lights around the place. It was a chore to light everything up and turn it off each night.

But last year, I got so depressed decorating that I told myself I was not going to do it this year. And though I talk myself in and out of things frequently, I really think I'm not going to deck my halls this year. It's just not worth it, especially just for me, myself and I to see.

Last year, I got into it with Mom about how we were having to plan for the holidays around Brian and his mess, as usual. And how I was fed up with a lot of things. It was actually something I needed to stand up and do, so it was a positive thing in some ways.. At least I got to put my thoughts and feelings out there. I know this year won't be much, if any different. Too much drama! Way too much drama.

When it comes to peace on earth and good will towards men, the fall and holidays seemed to have become anything but. I really don't want to be Scrooge or the Grinch, but I don't know how into it I'm going to be this year. And you know what? I don't think I'm going to be the only one in that state of mind this year.

There's still time to change my mind.